Confessions of a policy debater

graduation

5:18 AM

i just now got home

this is the story of my day:

i woke up at 9:00

i didn’t have any patches left

but i couldn’t get anymore cause i had to be at rehersal by 10:00 and my mom told me if i was late i wasn’t gonna get to graduate

so i went, and sat, and walked, and sat, and walked, then by towards the end, began to have a ridiculously horrible craving, got to my car, noticed my parking ticket because when i got there i just parked and ran cause i was late, so then i was crying and freaking out and being completely irrational and the rest of that story is too gruesome to relive but lets just say it was the hardest thing i’ve ever dealt with in my life, which is a little bit pathetic, but true, and trevor was the only thing that got me through,

so fast forward

i went back to the taco bell arena and sat and walked again but this time alot slower, then i threw my hat, then i took pictures, then i saw lots of friends, then…

PF CHANGS!  for the first time with lemon scallops and the great wall of chocolate cake

the fortune: your morals and beleifs are more important than how much money you make (or something to that extent)

then to the party:

1. won a fucking 30$ gift certificate to sizzler…fucking dumb.

2. took the CUTEST picture ever with tiffany and anthony

3. had a wonderful little powow on the floor with tiffany and anthony

4. jumped in the bounce house with kimmy

5. talked with adam about lots of silly fun things

6. GOT…HYPNOTIZED [danced the ymca like crazy on stage, smelled adams ear, proposed to a water bottle, forgot my name, and probably a billion other really

really silly things that i don’t remember]

then… trip to sharis with tiffany, adam, kim, and … paulina? um i forgot her name. but that might be it.

i made the best play list ever for today. and it was great. and today was great. and i love my life.

the end.

:]

now it’s time to go to sleep.

you know this is for you

When you’re on, I swear you’re on.
You rip my heart right out.
You rip my heart right out.
I think the whole room can hear me clear my throat.
You rip my heart right out.
You rip my heart right out.
If you still care at all, don’t go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, don’t call.
Then out of nowhere, put me right back there.
You rip my heart right out.
You rip my heart right out.
And we know what happens when we get to your house.
You rip my heart right out.
You rip my heart right out.
If you still care at all, don’t go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, please don’t, tell me now.
If you still care at all, don’t go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, don’t call.

I throw away everything I’ve written you.
Oh anything just keep my mind off of it, thinking how I had you once.
Oh, I can’t forget that.
Sometimes I wish I could lose you again.

You’re winning me over with everything you say.
You rip my heart right out.
You rip my heart right out.
When I let you closer, I only want you closer.
You rip my heart right out.
You rip my heart right out.
If you still care at all, don’t go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, please don’t tell me now.
Yeah, if you still care at all, don’t go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, don’t call.
If you love me at all..

i was an addict and he was my drug of choice

now i’m in rehab

trying to break the cycle

i knew that this was great

but i didn’t know how great it is until i had to go a whole day without talking to you

my heart’s a giant rubber band and it’s stretched to the max missing you

who knew that we literally haven’t gone 24 hours without talking for the past 2 months?

i didn’t.

this feeling is scary when you’re not here to hold my hand.

when we’re being cute we use these smiley faces :] :)

when we’re being silly we use this :P

when we’re horny we use ;)

when we miss each other is the only time we use sad faces :( but only if there’s a :] somewhere else in the text

“that’s not why i’m upset, it just scares me caring about you this much. i’m not good at needing people. i don’t need sex to make me happy because you already do that and not caring about sex scares me even more, because that means this is something different.”

sometimes i just want to climb a mountain with you and hide in the trees just you and me and a little tent and nothing else so i could just take a minute and breathe.

with you it’s never supposed to be

it’s never not supposed to be

it’s not what i’m supposed to say

it’s not playing a game

it just is

and i just am

me

somewhere in a little secret part of my heart i hope that you’re thinking the same thing that goes through my mind and we’re both just too scared to say it.

today you touched a piece of my heart that was very broken and the recoil hurt, i’m scared to let you farther in because i know it’ll keep hurting before you fix it.

it scares me that i am like a baby right now, eating like a normal person, sleeping on a regular basis, not doing drugs, not going to parties, being in a good mood, being happy with my life…all of these things are very new and different and hard and confusing and you’re the reason they’re happening… you help them happen and i don’t know what i would do if i had to try to do it alone.

you’ve been so good for me. and so good to me. and hopefully one day i’ll beleive you when you say i deserve it. i’m afraid that you deserve better.

my favorite songs right now

first a  quote from scrubs “yesterday seemed like it would be a good day… then it happened.”

also: what i’m doing now: teaching myself how to smoke a cigarette with no hands and just keep it in my mouth so i can smoke and type at the same time. i am such a bad ass.

“i can’t get to sleep i think about the implications of diving into deep, i think about the complications.” -scrubs knows my life

i haven’t figured out how to ash without using my hands… and i just got a huge pile of ash on me, and trevors sweatshirt. but i’m getting good at this!!

damn… tiffany i’m glad that you and erin are the only people that read my blog because this is embarassing.

so the songs:

1. Day ‘n Nite- Kid Cudi [cred to danielle lansdowns profile? i wanted the dj yeye techno remix cause it rocks but i can’t find it]

2. Puttin’ on the Ritz- Shiny toy guns

3. Psycho- Puddle of Mudd

4. Sweetness- Jimmy eat world

5. I wanna be sedated- The Ramones

6. The Kids aren’t All right- The Offspring

7. Why don’t you get a job- The Offspring

8. Self Esteem- The Offspring

9. You’re Gonna Go Far Kid- The offspring

10. Anthem of our dying day- Story of the Year

11. Sidewalks- Story of the Year

12. Until the Day I Die- Story of the Year

13. Alive with the Glory of Love- Say Anything

14. Every Man has a Molly- Say Anything

15. Dashboard- Modest Mouse

16. Float on- Modest Mouse

17. Anyone Else but you- The Moldy Peaches

18. Video Killed the Radio Star- Presidents of the USA

19. Lump- Presidents of the USA

20. Peaches- Presidents of the USA

i’ve developed this odd inability to listen to Gotta be Somebody- Nickelback… i’m sensing a very dangerous moment at prom.

Today

saww tiffy cause she’s finally back from texas

fun day in school

funny stories about hawaii from jake in physics

amazing lunch: creamy chicken soup at hand, smores pop tarts, blimpies cookie, and my boyfriend:]

fun times in econ

word up in debate

sending tiff emails while i’m sitting right next to her

after school a walmart date, an AMAZING blimpies sandwich [fo free]

then a walk with buddy and amazing conversation

go to my house to watch house

not concentrate on house (there was something more interesting going on)

maybe i’m a tease… but he’s perfect for me:]

it was a wonderful amazing perfect day

i’m learning self control in what i say… but those words just keep wanting to come out.